I Am Starkly Aware Of The Dark

I have explained my name choice before. There was truth in that explanation, that gentle request to be Together. But it was not the full truth. I held some of it back. Now, over a year after embracing Saha as my name and not only a pen name, I will be revealing more.

First, I would like to say I am an extraordinarily lucky person. I have parents who love me and have always loved me. Even though I have given them plenty of reasons not to. Instead they choose to keep loving me as easily as they draw breath. If that wasn’t enough, I am surrounded by a group of friends that also choose to love me. I am a fool and I cannot always understand why my parents and friends do so. But I am not blind. I see their love for me. It’s as bright as a hug.

Saha, as a root word in Sanskrit, means ‘together’. In Tamil, its meaning is different and comes in slight variations of spellings/pronunciations: Saha, Saga, Sagha, etc. They all start with a ‘suh’ sound. They all end in some sort of ‘ah’ sound that would rhyme with a laugh. And they all, in Tamil, mean friend.

I wish to be one. All the smiles put on my face, will spark my words. All the patience given to me, will be reflected on to others. All the kindness extended to me, will be the hand I reach out.

To me and my hyper self-critical eye, these assertions read as self-aggrandizing. I do not intend them to be. I also do not intend them to be a vow. No. They will all be choices I make. By their very nature, choices cannot be promises because promises nullify options. When there’s a choice, there’s an option to not make it. For every choice to love I make, I want to be aware of the option to not. Just as aware, I am sure, my parents and friends are when it comes to me. It’s a humbling awareness.

That still doesn’t explain why I picked the name Saha. I’ve only told you what it means and why the meaning appeals to me. The answer is quite simple and most normal people would have said it immediately and gotten it over with. But I didn’t want to be overly cryptic.

Alright. I’ll get over myself and just tell you.

My name, friend, is my way of saying thank you.

That’s all.